Rupture of cliques of youth groups

Cliques and gossip will infiltrate your youth group unless you take an active stance against them. Popular culture and social behavior have become so dominant, and some church culture so obedient, that your youth group can simply become a reflection of the “world” without strong, godly effort on your part. Nowhere is this more evident than in the way students interact with each other. With all the news that bullying is getting, we should take a look at what is happening with “bullying” in your youth group.

There is no bullying in your youth group … right? There are probably no open punches, hits, or insults, but if you’re not working to avoid it, Christian teens will simply transfer their social hierarchy from the public school to the youth group setting. The “in” group at school will be the “in” group in the youth group. Popular school boys and athletes will master all your “games” and activities. They will do this instinctively.

“Harassment” within Christian youth groups tends to be limited to gossip, cliques and exclusion. Exclusion is the most subtle, the hardest to detect, and probably the most painful. When adolescents practice exclusion, they physically, verbally and emotionally “block out” children they do not consider acceptable. It’s not that they are beaten or verbally abused … they just ignore them. And most don’t even know they are doing it.

In your next activity, observe your teens. Look at them for real. Is there that same group of girls who huddle in the corner? Is there a group of “alpha males” that dominates all interactions and activities? Is there a group of teenagers who sit silently, not speaking, glued by default? Does your group “self-segregate” along social, economic, or racial lines? Do you get gossip complaints? Is there a youth who simply wanders from group to group, not actually participating in conversation or interaction? Are there teenagers standing or sitting alone? If you answered yes to some of the above, then you have a group of young “cliques” that will not grow. Why would a visitor feel comfortable when teenagers who have been coming for years are not comfortable and are not included?

The first thing to do is verbally address the problem. Has to. Use the scriptures to support what you are doing. My favorites are Mt: 7.3 and 1st Sam 16: 7. However, leading a Bible study or preaching a sermon alone will not end clique behavior. I have several ideas that will help you create a more loving and tolerant youth group. At first it will be an effort and then it will become the culture of your youth group. Don’t just address clicks verbally – break them up. I break cliques when I sit down or create groups. You can do this anytime you are about to do an activity that requires any kind of social grouping: eating, riding the truck, crafts, or games.

Just “break up” the cliques before they settle into an activity or get on the bus and so on. I walk over and say something like, “You guys always sit together, let’s make new friends,” and then point out who is going where. “It’s time to get out of our comfort zones,” I declare and move on. Or I make an announcement that will cause a “clique rift”, “Everyone sits down with someone from a different school / grade level / neighborhood.” If you don’t, they will simply be grouped into the same social hierarchy over and over again. This approach seems forced enough in print, but teens will “rearrange” with your direction. They know their little cliques are boring, repetitive and unholy, they just can’t stop. They need your help.

I always break cliques the morning after I have put on my show; “The redneck was right.” This show is about acceptance, making new friends by reaching out, and God’s desire that we not judge each other on outward appearance, speech, or financial status. When done exclusively for young people, I use it to fight youth group cliques, gossip, racism, and prejudice. I love putting on this show on the first day of camp because it clears the air and gets camp started on a positive note. I meet the teens as they step out of the food line at breakfast the morning after the show. I make the pronouncement, “You will sit with someone you don’t normally sit with.” Then I make sure it happens. I will guide big soccer player and have him sit down with clarinet player quite a bit. I will guide one of the “trendy” girls and make her sit down with a “quiet girl”. I’ll mix and match, seating teens outside of their comfort zones. Some young people will be uncomfortable with this, but they will talk to each other. (They are teenagers after all) It’s a beautiful thing; Teens who have been going to groups for years and have never spoken will find that they have something in common … all because you took a stand and pushed them out of their comfort zones.

And you? Do you encourage the cliques with your own behavior? Do you choose the same adolescent to lead the prayer, the same group to lead the activities? Are the same kids hanging out in your office before “group”? Do you greet some teens with more enthusiasm than others? Throughout my years as a counselor, public school teacher, and touring youth speaker / comedian, I’ve learned that teens look at us, actually looking isn’t strong enough … teens scrutinize us. Everything we do is at stake. Teens also have an internal timer that is always running when it comes to your interaction with them. How long are you going to talk to them? Who did you sit with on the way to retreat and how long did you sit with them? Who did you sit with on the way home? (Hint: it better be different.) If you have favorites, why shouldn’t they?

It’s not just about who you hang out with in a group; This is how you spend your time How do you greet children and how do you interact with them? If your youth group is like most, there are probably some very hard-working, needy, and dysfunctional individuals in your group. Do you greet and interact with them with the same enthusiasm and frequency as fashionable kids? Teens are looking at you, what are they looking at? If you practice “exclusion,” why shouldn’t you?

You can have the inclusive and responsive youth group you’ve always wanted, one where you know that any visitor from any social and economic background will be welcome. Creating a group that practices individual outreach and avoids mundane social behavior will take effort. But it can be done if you actively separate the cliques and model the non-judgmental behavior you expect.