feeling down in marriage

I try to write about topics that I hear when talking to other men about their marriages. People often ask me how I have the authority to write about how to improve marriage when I am no longer married. My response to that is that I have lived through what these men are experiencing, I have shared their emotions, and I have learned from my mistakes. The best teachers are those who have lived, overcome and learned from adversity.

I was on the train recently and ran into a friend, Lester, who I hadn’t seen in about 6 months. After going over the usual “how’s work,” “how’s family,” and other pertinent questions, I told Lester that he was writing a book to help men in their marriages. You should have seen his face fall!

I said what’s up? He said that he and his wife no longer have any intimacy at all. She refuses to go on vacation with him or even spend the night away from home. She said that she is so emotionally frozen towards him that she will not share any intimacy, not even cuddling in bed. His train stop was before mine, so we didn’t have a chance to finish the conversation. But I need to reconnect with him shortly to see if I can help. Now that my book is only a week away from being available on Amazon, a copy of the first edition might make a nice gift.

This brings me to the topic of this post, feeling low in marriage.

Have you reached the point in your marriage where no matter what you do, your wife will not be loving or sharing intimacy? As much as you try to be loving and caring, it just doesn’t matter. If so, don’t despair… you’re not alone! I believe that sexless marriages are an epidemic in our society. Men just don’t talk as freely about their marital problems as women. But that is changing. Years ago guys like Lester wouldn’t have told me they weren’t having sex with their wives. But times have changed!

For some couples, nothing you do can turn things around. But you should try to remedy your situation before taking drastic measures, such as divorce or cheating. I know quite a few men whose marriage was in tatters. But when they changed the way they approached their wives, love and intimacy returned to the relationship.

What is the cure? That’s too much to cover in a single blog post. Hey, I just wrote a 200 page book on that.

But it starts with communication and action. It is necessary to open the channels of communication. He let her wife know how much he loves her and that she wants to have a marriage full of love and mutual satisfaction. Ask her what she needs to make that happen. Tell him that you want to start over by letting everything go from the past. If she wants to talk about problems, she’s fine, as long as you seek to learn from them and have a positive attitude towards the future. In fact, I think it’s very important to have that open discussion so that you can learn from the past and work towards a more harmonious future.

Once you know what she needs, don’t hesitate to tell her that you’ll do your best to change and be aware of her needs. But let her know that if you do that, and you will be patient during the process, you will have needs from her in return for her…and I don’t just mean sex! Men also need to feel appreciated by their wives. So, if it’s appropriate, let her wife know that you’d like some positive reinforcement about the things she does for the family as well as what she does for her. When the topic of sex or intimacy comes up, be the man and let him know that intimacy is an important part of marriage. Tell him that you will be patient but that you would really like to try to open the channels of love in the marriage again.

Take it easy is the rule. Be kind and understanding. Listen carefully to his wife. He spends more time with her. Romance with her with fun activities. In time she will see your sincerity in wanting to have a wonderful marriage like the one you imagined the day you got married.

Steve

Steve Schloss is the author of “The Man’s Secret to a Happy, Sexy Marriage in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day.”