Halloween: Old Fart’s Guide to Trick or Treating
Picture this: a warm and cozy room, a super comfortable sofa to yourself, a piece of chocolate, Gin & Tonic mixed to perfection and dear sir… The hairs on your neck stand on end: a sure sign that your brain Fossilized is about to spit out that elusive word to complete tonight’s fiendishly tricky crossword… when all hell breaks loose! A knock at the door, the dogs burst into action howling as if auditioning for the hounds of hell: the last magical morsel of G&T flies from your hand, soaking the paper, leaving the couch reeking of alcohol fumes. The nightmare is just beginning.
Because tonight, kind reader, is All Saints’ Eve. Also known as Halloween, or trick or treating. Or dress the children in tiny rags and throw them out on a cold winter night for an hour or two to knock on strangers’ doors and trick-or-treat. And if the killjoys don’t cough, threaten them.
‘Give me treats or I’ll give you tricks. old fart OK, I made that last one up, but you can see them thinking that.
And so, across the country, mothers travel to Tesco and spend their hard-earned child benefit on barely-there fairy outfits or sexy witchy clothes and then encourage their children to roam the streets demanding sweets with threats. And these little ghosts and goblins and Harry Potter wannabes aren’t looking for old candy. All has to Get into the spirit of things and bed down on specially prepared ‘Halloween Treats’. Even Marks and Sparks is filled with chocolate and other specially packaged treats, cleverly designed to resemble snot, blood, and vomit. And none of this comes cheap. Apparently, the great British public now spends more on Halloween Night than on Mother’s Day or Valentine’s Day. Think about it. We spend nearly twenty million pounds more on mutilated pumpkins and expensive sweets than we do on celebrating our own mother’s special day. Halloween – £55m: Mother’s Day £37m. Make you proud to be human.
Fellow Old Farts: Fight Back! You’ll still have to jump up and down your perch like a jack in the box, but if you can persuade just one kid that not everyone appreciates their efforts to get the demon out of Stephen King, then we’re winning. Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t ask for your precious free time to be stolen.
My strategies to deceive traffickers:
He smiles with delight, as if your evening has been completed by seeing child number 36 dressed as a witch/zombie.
Kudos to them for being so original in their plastic capes and vampire teeth.
Tell them they are the best yet and to wait while you get the treats. Close the door. Continue with your crossword. Or painting the bathroom ceiling, or writing your new best-seller. After about ten minutes, you may hear a timid knock on the door. (They still think you’re so impressed that you’ve gone looking for something very special for them.) My advice is to wait for the third magical hit. Hopefully they’ve wasted at least twenty minutes now, and that’s twenty minutes in which they haven’t terrorized some other poor old man.
Open the door again. Express surprise and delight, etc. in their costumes. Now they’re a little confused, but they’re still willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Go and get the goodies. Or rather the bad ones. Yes. I’ve spent the last month saving up the coffee creamer chocolates and other rejects that no one in their right mind wants to eat. When they’re gone, I reach for my trusty jar of copper coins. A handful of this shrapnel wrapped up in a bag feels satisfyingly heavy, but it will cost you a lot less than those expensive sweets. If all else fails, bribe the teen to stay. A shaky ‘go away’ will only result in an avalanche of deceit. A rough ‘get lost’ from a seven foot tall former lifeguard turned rock climbing teacher will have the desired result every time.
If I sound like an old fart, remember that I am. But harmless. On October 31, millions of children will knock on the doors of strangers. Anyone could be lurking behind those doors. Now that’s not scary.
it’s frightening