Long Distance Relationships: Intrusive Questions
People often ask me if I am married when they see the gold ring with the heart pattern on my left finger. I smile and say “No, I’m engaged”, or if I’m really not in the mood for details, I just say “Yes.” I have even been told that it looks like a wedding ring, since it is gold and I have no “stone”. There is a reason I don’t have a “stone” and the ring is pure 24 karat gold (which I always try not to warp the band).
I am engaged to a man from India, where gold is highly valued and believed to be the best material for traditional wedding jewelry. The ring was a gift from my fiancé’s mother and, both culturally and symbolically, it was her way of accepting me as her son’s future wife. Not every day is it customary for a man to bring an American woman home to his family and present her as his future wife.
Of course, when I mention that we are in a long distance relationship, I receive the space of questions and the most popular ones have been: “How did you meet?” “That must be really difficult. How do you handle it? When are you getting married? Why doesn’t he just move here? Why don’t you move there? What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?
This is why I tend to avoid divulging details of my relationship with people I have just met, especially those who ask these kinds of questions. Clearly, they may not be open-minded enough to try to grasp the finer details and the efforts that a long-distance relationship requires. So ladies, this is how I handle these questions.
How did you meet?
In the modern world, more and more couples are meeting online, whether through social media websites or even apps. Couples have taken to Facebook, Instagram, and even Twitter. My fiancé found my email on a job search related website in Japan, so it’s best to answer “He was my pen pal”, which is the truth, except we exchanged emails instead of handwritten letters . Honesty is your best policy to this extent and if the person asking cannot understand how you developed a relationship between online communication and visits, that is your problem.
Or maybe you met while studying or working abroad or even while on vacation and had to return to your home country. Whatever your circumstances, there is no reason to hide the truth.
That must be very difficult. How do you handle it?
“We choose to handle it. I think it’s worth waiting for my fiancé until everything clicks into place and we can see each other every day. We communicate daily and try to arrange visits when we can.” When I am feeling sarcastic, I sometimes want to respond that long distance relationships are not for the faint of heart or the needy. It takes a strong heart to get through those unseen periods and unfamiliar projected events and timelines a relationship can take.
When are you getting married?
This is my favorite, because I really don’t know. Haven’t heard of immigration laws? Or maybe we are not ready to set a date?
Why don’t you move here?
See the reason above.
Why don’t you move there?
Your reasons will vary, but once again I am frankly honest with my interlocutor. “My fiancé and I have no interest in living our lives in India and my lifestyle and commitments force me to live in the United States.”
What does your family think of you marrying a foreigner?
This has to be one of the most insulting questions and I’m sure many people in cross-cultural relationships have experienced it. Why does it matter which country my future spouse is from? That is a personal choice and maybe my family is not racist. My favorite response is, “They don’t care.”
I constantly have to remind myself that not everyone will be able to understand the concept of long distance interracial relationships. Some people may be genuinely curious and not realize that the questions they ask can be considered quite intrusive or even rude. Then there are those people who seem to understand and connect with and don’t mind sharing details about my relationship and the person I love.