Treatment planning and action steps against sibling rivalry

As Christians, we are told to have “brotherly love” for one another. This brotherly love is understood as the closest version of platonic love. In the Gospels, Jesus instructs the disciples to “love one another as brothers.” However, many brothers in the Bible did not treat each other with love. He considers the following:

cain and abel

Esau and Jacob

Rachel and Leah

Jose and his older brothers

Moses and his half brothers

With all the examples, there is no doubt that acting in brotherly love is a difficult challenge for anyone. To teach the parents of rival children to continue instilling in them a sense of love that is not limited, that does not diminish according to the number of children. And instruct parents to be patient, sometimes feelings of jealousy and competition go away on their own over time.

Here are some things you can suggest to parents to help lessen or eliminate sibling rivalry.

Don’t show favoritism.

Ask any son or daughter who their family’s favorite child is and you will get an answer. Sibling favoritism offends and infects a child’s heart and leads to feelings of inferiority, anger, resentment, and even bitterness. The Biblical story of Esau and Jacob is a prime example of how favoritism hurts a family. We learn in the book of Genesis (25:28) that the boys’ father, Isaac, preferred Esau while the mother favored Jacob. This led to deception between the parents and Jacob stealing Esau’s birthright and blessing.

Do not compare

Most siblings are already very sensitive to the competitive aspects of their relationships with brothers and sisters. Rather than wonder how good I am at this, they ask: Am I better than my brother/sister at this? Therefore, it is best for parents to avoid directly comparing their children to each other. Invite parents to comment on their children’s gifts and uniqueness apart from their siblings. For example, while it’s nice to say that Jane is excellent at soccer and David is a wizard at the piano. it’s not nice to say that Jane is better than David at soccer, and David kicks Jane’s butt at music.

Counter feelings of jealousy: Jealousy is often at the center of sibling rivalry. If an older sibling is jealous of a younger sibling, have the parent try the following techniques:

1. Help the child to verbalize feelings.

When children are able to verbalize their feelings, they are much better equipped to (a) understand them and (b) deal with them. However, verbalizing feelings is not an easy process for children. For example, can you imagine a child saying? Mom, Dad, I’ve been feeling a little neglected and insecure since my little brother arrived and I could really use a little more attention. Specifically, I would like us to spend more one-on-one time playing together like we used to. YES OF COURSE! Children are much more likely to vent their frustrations. Only through practice and training can a child learn to verbally describe her emotions and needs.

2. Pay attention to what is right and good, ignore the bad.

Children want attention, and even if it seems backwards, bad attention is better than no attention. Therefore, a good way for parents to improve a child’s behavior is to pay attention to the good and good behaviors and ignore the bad ones.

For example, if your child is being nice while putting on his shoes, say, Thank you, honey. I’m so proud of how well you’re doing silently putting on your shoes when asked. If your child misbehaves by making a fuss, ignore the behavior and pay no more attention to it.

3. Show the child the privileges of age.

All adults recognize that age has its privileges, but children don’t always see it that way, especially when there’s a baby that gets a lot of attention. A good technique to suggest to parents is to point out all age privileges to older siblings. What are they getting because they are older? If they aren’t getting many, give them some! Also, a great privilege of being a big brother is that you get to carry and take care of a baby who will always look up to his big brother or sister.

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